


Sam's Therapy

by Sammynughh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Anal Sex, Bedroom Sex, Bottom Sam Winchester, Dean Reveals Secret, Dean Surprises Sam, Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester in Love, Fluff and Smut, Gratuitous Smut, Hand Jobs, Little bit of angst, Little bit of humor, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, Oral Sex, Parent/Child Incest, Pierced Sam Winchester, Porn With Plot, Sam Seeks Mental Help, Sam struggling With Love For Brother, Shower Sex, Top Dean Winchester, Wincest - Freeform, alone in the bunker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 21:47:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13350180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammynughh/pseuds/Sammynughh
Summary: WARNING: MATURE AUDIENCES ONLYTHIS IS WINCESTA lot of smut. Some Angst. Fluff. Being in Love.This is set during a time when the brothers had the bunker to themselves. It's a story of Sam seeking mental help because he's depressed and lonely. He's in love with Dean and it's killing him inside. Dean forces Sam to talk and discovers they feel the same. Dean makes Sam wait before they act on their urges. He gives Sam a journal Dean started writing when he was 20. Things continue from there. Story does have happy ending in every way!TRIGGER WARNING: Very brief mention of child molestation. Dean's journal reveals drunk John exposing himself to 15 yr old Dean. Nothing graphic. John stops himself before it goes too far, but it was traumatic enough for Dean.





	1. First Step

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Sam sees a "Professional Emotional Companion". 1. This "profession" is something I made up for this story. To my knowledge it doesn't exist. 2. I know there are professional cuddle buddies, that's not what this "professional" is. 3. For my story, this "professional" is a newbie and fails miserably. 4. I know depression is real and I'm not making light of it. 5. I ask that you please don't comment on this aspect of the story because it's just an opening to the heart of the story.
> 
> Thank you and I hope you enjoy what I wrote. I enjoyed writing it. ❤

Sam smiles, "I'm kind of nervous. I've never done this before." He sits down after shaking Paul's hand.

Paul's a handsome man. He's 6'2" and is about the same build as Dean. He's Caucasian with sandy blonde hair and green eyes. Yeah, he looks a bit like Sam's brother, but there are many differences. Paul looks leaner, his skin is more tan, his hair is almost as long as Sam's and has waves to it. Paul is also 29 years old compared to Sam's 35.

Thing is Sam's not looking to date Paul. He found Paul through the psychologist he's been seeing. She said Sam needs an "Emotional Companion". A professional that can help him cope with his emotions.

Dean knows Sam's been depressed and is seeing a shrink once a week. Sam's just glad Dean doesn't ridicule him for it.

Thing is Sam confessed to his shrink a couple years back that he's in love with his brother. He's been trying to work through his thoughts and it's now affecting all aspects of his life. His shrink has tried many coping skills and techniques with Sam. This one might really help. He really doesn't want to be on medication for depression. It might affect his ability to function as a hunter. If this "therapy" fails, Sam knows meds are going to be a last resort.

Paul sets the ground rules. "I Don't mind if you talk to me about anything you want. The thing is, you're suppose to think of me as YOU. If you could tell yourself all the things you wish someone else would tell you- that's what you tell me. If there's someone in your life that isn't saying the things you need to hear, say them to me. I will echo them back to you, but not in the same way. I will get an understanding of what you need to hear and go from there."

Paul takes off his shoes. "We will just lay on the bed completely clothed and I will hold you, if that's okay."

Sam nods and grins. Sam is obviously nervous.

Paul looks at Sam's feet. "Your shoes?"

"Oh right. Sorry, just thinking." Sam sits and removes his shoes while Paul lays on the bed. He has soft music play from his cell phone. It's very soothing instrumental music he has turned down low.

Sam lays down on the bed and rests his head on Paul's chest.

Paul wraps his arms around Sam. "If you need me to hold you differently, tell me and we'll move." He moves his hand over Sam's head. His other hand moves over Sam's back.

"Tell me Sam. Tell me how awesome you are." Sam can hear the smile in Paul's voice.

Sam's feeling pain. He wants to be like this with Dean. "I'm not awesome. I'm just Sam."

"Tell me about the greatest thing you've ever done." Paul rests his head against Sam's head while combing his fingers through Sam's hair.

Their legs are pressed together and Sam feels a bit aroused. He was told it might happen and that's okay, just don't act on any sexual urges.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." He snuggles closer into Paul's embrace. Sam enjoys the warmth of Paul's body against his. The sound of his steady heartbeat.

"Please tell me." Sam feels Paul's hot breath against the top of his head.

"I died so the world wouldn't have to." Sam doesn't liked thinking about it, let alone saying anything.

"Metaphorically right? Because you're still alive."

"No, I actually had Lucifer possess me and then I died taking him to hell with me. I stopped the war between Michael and Lucifer and in doing so, I saved countless human lives. An angel got me out of hell and left the devil locked up."

Paul stops moving his hand over Sam's hair. "You know this works better when you're truthful with me and, more importantly, yourself."

Sam sits up and gets out of the bed. Paul sits up on the side of the bed and turns his music off.

Sam starts putting his shoes back on. "This isn't going to work for me."

Paul's confused. "Why is that?"

"You just called me a liar. That's the one thing I won't do, unless I'm protecting someone's life." Sam looks either hurt or angry.

Paul is putting his shoes back on. "What is it you do Sam?"

Sam grabs his book bag and car keys. He leaves the hotel card key on the dresser. "I save people and hunt bad things. I also die so millions don't have to. You're welcome."  
He closes the door behind him and heads straight for his car.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sam walks into the bunker pissed off and frustrated that the shrink's plan failed. He should have known he can't open up to anyone outside their family.

"Hey Sammy. You hungry?" Dean comes out of the kitchen with a plate of food. Grilled cheese, potato chips and a slice of pie all on one plate in one hand. A beer in the other.

Sam has his bookbag over his shoulder. He grabs the plate and beer from Dean's hands and walks straight to his bedroom without saying a word.

Dean is grasping at the air. He whispers toward Sam as he leaves, "My pie."

Three hours goes by and Dean knocks on Sam's door. "Sammy?" He steps in and finds Sam curled up under his covers. The grilled cheese is gone, but half the chips and pie remain. "I know you didn't just waste a piece of my pie!"

Sam mumbles from under the covers, "I'll eat it later. Just go away."

Dean sits on the bed, his back presses against Sam's knees. He turns facing the headboard and reaches to pull back Sam's covers.

Sam rolls away from Dean. "Please, just let me be."

"Talk to me."

"Nothin to talk about."

"You know our rule." Dean hates being pushy, but if he leaves Sam in this mood he'll just get worse. "Sit up and talk."

Sam sits up in bed and faces his brother. Dean sees how puffy Sam's eyes are. He wraps his arms around Sam's neck and hugs him.

Sam holds Dean tight. He grips the back of his big brother's shirt and presses his face against his neck.

"Hey. What happened?" Dean's voice is soft. His hand moves over Sam's back soothing him. He also uses his fingers to comb down Sam's messy hair.

"It's embarassing...and stupid." Sam pulls away from Dean's embrace. He's wanting to get up and leave to avoid this conversation, but instead just sits there with his arms crossed over his chest and looks away.

Dean flashes Sam his devilish grin. "Can't be as bad as when I got caught smoking pot in the boys room during 5th period my sophomore year. Not only did I get beat by dad, I had to do chores at Bobby's while I was suspended from school."

Sam looks at Dean and smirks. "I remember that. Bobby had you digging, chopping wood and all kinds of crazy stuff."

Dean scoffs, "I didn't mind that. It was the vacuuming, dishes and laundry. That man had 2 months worth of dirty clothes piled up."

They both sit in silence for a moment as they remember their surrogate father.

Dean breaks the silence. He places his hand on Sam's leg that's still under the covers. "What happened Sam?"

Sam looks at Dean's hand and then runs his own hand through his long hair pulling it away from his face. "My psychologist recommended a special type of therapy. I really hoped it would work. It didn't." He can't look at Dean's face. He's afraid of what he might see.

Dean feels responsible somehow. "Sammy, I know I've let you down in the past when it came to this kind of stuff."

Sam looks at Dean with confusion. "No you haven't."

Dean looks away for a moment. "I have Sam. You went through a lot when you had Lucifer in your head." He looks into Sam's eyes. "You came to me and there wasn't anything I could do."

Sam takes Dean's hand. He presses Dean's fingers against the scar in his palm. "You showed me what was real. That was enough."

Dean grips Sam's hand. "I'm here Sammy. Please talk to me."

Sam can see Dean is truly worried. "I'm just lonely Dean." Sam holds Dean's hand with both of his. "I'm so lonely it hurts inside. Like I have a hole in my chest." Sam looks like he's on the verge of tears.

"Is it because of mom?" Dean reaches up and pulls hair away from Sam's face.

Sam swallows hard. "I thought so at first. That's why I started seeing the shrink. After several sessions, I learned a new truth."

Dean nods as if he understands. "You're into guys now. I know."

Sam looks wide eyed at Dean. "You know?!"

Dean shrugs as Sam straightens up. Sam is obviously flustered. He gets up out of bed and puts his jeans on.

Dean follows Sam into the kitchen. "Look Sam, you forgot to clear your history on the web browser. I needed to find that website where I bought that new alternator for Baby."

Sam is grabbing a drink from the fridge.

Dean waits for him to reappear. "It's not just that instance either." Sam looks at Dean. "The time I slept with that coffee shop waitress, I saw you eyeing the guy in the corner booth. I left with the waitress and made out with her in her car. I see you leaving the coffee shop with that same guy."

Sam is drinking a beer and leaning against the counter. "Okay. You got me. I'm bisexual." Sam shakes his head as he walks back toward the library to find a book.

Dean grabs a beer and walks up behind Sam. "I think there's more to it. This hole in your chest." He drinks his beer.

Sam puts down the book he was looking at. "Really?"

Dean nods as he pulls the bottle from his lips. "What was this therapy your shrink prescribed?"

Sam sighs in resignation. "Emotional companion therapy. She wanted me to meet up with this person 2 to 3 times a week to create an emotional outlet for myself. A way for me to share myself without the complications of sex or a relationship. Of course, it failed miserably."

Dean sets his bottle down. "Because of who you are."

"And who am I Dean?" Sam's tired of being frustrated and alone.

Dean takes Sam's beer and sets it down. He wraps his arms around Sam. His hands move over his back and up to his neck pulling his head down. "You're amazing. I'm so proud of you." Dean kisses Sam's jaw. "You've saved more lives than I ever will. I'm not joking when I tell you how much of a hero I think you truly are."

Sam pulls back some to look into his brother's eyes. They are full of love and admiration. Sam sees something more there he hasn't seen before. Suddenly Dean's lips are on his. It's quick, but Dean clearly kissed Sam like he use to kiss Lisa, his could-have-been/should-have-been wife.

Dean pulls back with wide eyes of his own. He knows he's crossed a line. One he knows he'll never be able to take back.

Sam doesn't say a word. He takes Dean's face into his hands and kisses him again. A real heart felt kiss. One Sam's been saving for just this moment. Sam meshes his mouth just perfectly with Dean's. A small moan escapes him as Dean presses his tongue against Sam's.

Dean pushes Sam against the bookshelf and pushes his body against Sam's as they kiss. Sam moves his hands from Dean's face to his back and holds him tight. After a few moments like this they finally come up for air.

Dean steps back giving Sam room to breathe. "You told your shrink you want me, right?" Dean's panting.

Sam's breathless. "Yeah." Sam is smiling. "I always wondered how you would taste."

Dean ignores the blush on Sam's cheeks as well as his quiet comment. He can't keep from smiling or silently agreeing. Dean clears his throat, "You know, your shrink will always advise against this." Dean points back and forth between them.

Sam nods. "Yeah." His smile starts to fade.

Dean looks Sam in the eyes. "Do we care what others think, considering no one really knows us, but us?"

They answer in unison, "No."

Sam grabs Dean and kisses him again. "Are you sure about this?"

Dean kisses Sam, "I've wanted you since...forever. Yeah, I'm sure."

Sam walks off toward Dean's room. He turns and sees Dean isn't there. "Well, are you coming?"

Dean meets Sam outside his room.

Sam asks, "You ever been with a guy before?"

Dean rolls his eyes. "What do you think?"

Sam nods as it suddenly occurs to him when Dean must have had a gay experience. "While you were a demon. Right?" They walk into Dean's room and sit on the bed beside each other.

Dean sees the anticipation in Sam's eyes. He takes Sam's hands and places them around his waist. He then wraps his arms around his little brother. "Look, I know Lucifer raped you and you had experience in college. Let's just say it wasn't an angel that got me first." Dean can't stop looking into Sam's eyes.

Sam raises his eyebrows. "Crowley?" Sam's not judging him at all. Just a question of fact. Like when Dean brought up the fact that Lucifer raped him.

Dean looks away. "I was a demon Sam." He looks back at Sam and grins, "I always topped though. Besides, Crowley wasn't my first."

Sam tries not to picture his brother with Crowley. He can see Dean's hurt a bit by the line of questioning. He sympathizes as he wonders who Dean's first was. He asks, "I first have to know if you miss him?"

"Crowley?" Dean slightly grins for a moment then nods. "I shouldn't. He was an evil son of a bitch, but he was trying in the end."

Dean sighs heavily. "Since we're talking about supernatural sexual adventures, you should also know that Cas talked me into bed one night just to experience sex with a human man. I didn't want him to hurt someone or vice-versa. Cas was my first."

Sam starts laughing. Dean's a bit offended, but finds Sam's laugh appealing. Always has. "What's so funny?"

Sam hugs his brother briefly. "I'm sorry. Please forgive me for laughing. It's just that Cas is turning out to be a great trickster like his big brother Gabe! Cas pulled the same trick on me and, of course, I slept with him too! The bastard!"

They both get a good laugh.

Dean comments, "Freaking angels and demons. Who would have thought?"

"Gabriel tried to get with me twice. I just wasn't that into him after he killed my brother in front of me every day for over 100 days in a row. Can you blame me?" Sam smirks.

"Not at all." Dean pushes Sam back onto the mattress and kisses him, possessing his mouth and tongue completely. He goes to pull Sam's shirt off when Sam stops him.

Sam loves how it feels having Dean almost right on top of him. He pulls him in for another kiss. "It's getting late. Would it be okay if I just sleep in your arms tonight?"

Dean smiles. "I sleep in my underwear Sam."

Sam grins. "I know. We both do. For tonight, I just want to feel..."

Dean kisses his forehead. "Come here." Dean rolls onto his back and pulls Sam onto his chest. He pulls his blanket over them both and turns out his light. "I got you Sammy. Just get some rest." Dean buries his fingers in Sam's hair.

Sam takes big deep breaths of Dean. He breathes in his brother's scent and listens to his heart beating like a metronome. Dean comforts Sam silently to sleep.


	2. Dean's Secrets

The next morning Sam wakes up to an empty bed. He goes to the bathroom and realizes Dean's in the shower. He removes his clothing and joins Dean in taking a shower.

"You're up early." Sam reaches for the shampoo as he turns on one of the other shower heads. (The showers in the MOL bunker are like those in any men's locker room.)

Dean smiles. "Wanted to make you breakfast." He touches Sam's shoulder briefly. Sam closes his eyes as the touch radiates through him. Dean watches Sam as he just stands there not moving. "Are you alright?"

Sam opens his eyes. Dean's standing in front of him with wet hair and concerned bright green eyes. He sets the shampoo bottle down and pushes Dean against the cold tile wall. His lips claim Dean's in a desperate needy kiss. He presses his body against Dean's just to be skin on skin.

Dean finally gets a breath of air. "Sammy. Fuck. Slow down brother. Please." He grips Sam around his waist and holds him tight. He rests his head on Sam's broad chest. Sam's heart is racing so fast. Just as fast as his own. He kisses Sam's chest as Sam holds him. Dean knows Sam wants him. They want each other. They both need to feel complete together for once.

Dean pulls back and looks into Sam's hungry eyes. "We're building up to something that's going to be life changing for us both. I don't want to rush it. I want to savor every moment. Go ahead and tease me, but I won't treat you like a trick I picked up at a coffee shop. You're too special to me."

Sam softly kisses Dean's lips. His hands holding his face as they briefly kiss. Sam lets go. "You're absolutely right." Sam smiles, "I won't apologize for wanting you so badly."

Dean grins. "I want you too. You're so beautiful." His hand moves over Sam's chest. "Just not here and not like this." His hand falls away. He picks up the shampoo bottle and motions for Sam to get his hair wet. Dean washes Sam's hair. "Tonight Sammy. Tonight we'll make love. It will be awesome and we will be able to remember our first time as being absolutely perfect."

Dean kisses Sam's shoulder before he rinses Sam's hair. Sam takes Dean's hand and kisses his palm. "We could make love in the trunk of your Impala and I'd remember it as being epic just because I was able to make love with you."

Dean laughs. He throws his head back with a good hardy laugh. "First of all, you wouldn't fit in Baby's trunk. Secondly, I have a better plan than a cramped trunk smart ass."

Sam conditions and rinses his hair while they talk. "Your plan better not include cherry pie, chains, restraints, whips or me in some kind of bra and panties."

Dean is laughing so hard now he almost drops the soap. "Oh my god!! I can almost see you in pink lace Sammy! A-a-and what the hell would I do with cherry pie?" He can hardly breathe he's laughing so hard as he rinses off.

Sam's laughing some now too. "Well, you might want to eat it off of my body in some way?"

Dean stops laughing for a moment as he looks at Sam's almost hard dick and thinks about the prospect of cherry pie filling running down the length of his cock.

Sam's eyes get big, "No! Absolutely not! Forget it!"

Dean smiles, "You brought it up."

Sam rushes through the rest of his shower.

Dean finally tells Sam, "Nothing kinky. I promise. Just us making love."

Sam lets Dean's words roll around in his head. "...making love." He likes how that sounds.

They're out of the shower and have towels around their hips. They quickly shave and finish their morning routines. They dress and meet in the kitchen.

Sam steals a kiss from Dean as he stirs eggs in a skillet. Dean kisses back with a smile.

A soon as Sam puts their breakfast dishes away, Dean steals a kiss from Sam. Sam leans against the kitchen counter and savors Dean's lips, his hands on his hips and his body pressing against him. Sam's hands hold Dean's face for a moment, his eyes close. He files this memory away to be replayed over and over at a later date. Especially the way Dean looks at him as their lips part. The love in Dean's eyes has always been there, but the fire is now so intense. The words leave Sam's lips before he even has a chance to think about it, "I love you."

Dean hears the words and they mean everything because Sam means it. Dean's face is full of warmth and he says what he thinks should naturally follow, "I always will Sammy." He takes Sam's hand and tells him, "Come on."

Sam follows Dean to Dean's room. Dean lets go of Sam's hand and heads for his closet. "Go ahead and sit on the bed." Sam takes a seat and wonders what his brother's up to.

Dean emerges from the closet with a small wooden box. He opens it and removes a spiral notebook. He sits next to Sam.

Sam can see Dean's nervous. He holds the notebook and keeps rubbing it's cover. "I've never let anyone see this. I started writing in it when I was 20. It has a lot of personal junk in it." Dean looks up at Sam. "I'm not a writer or anything, so don't...you know." Dean's face is a bit red knowing Sam's about to read some really personal stuff. He gives the notebook to Sam.

Sam takes the notebook. Dean gets up and heads for the door. "I'm gonna go to the store. You need anything?"

Sam holds the notebook to his chest as he gets up and goes to Dean. He kisses him softly. Dean makes it linger by not letting go of Sam. He finally does and Sam grins, "I need you. Just you."

Dean rests his forehead against Sam's. Dean's voice is deep and his hands almost tremble as his fingers move over Sam's lips. "Soon. Real soon little brother." Dean turns and leaves before he gives into his need to push Sam against the wall and take him where he stands.

Sam yells down the hall, "Pineapple juice, coffee, eggs and beer!"

"Got it!!" Dean goes out towards the garage heading to the store.

Sam goes back into Dean's room and lays back on the bed. He pulls Dean's pillow into his arms and inhales his brother's scent. He can't wait to feel Dean surrounding him and invading all his senses.

He shuts down the urgent need to touch himself and maybe find some relief from the constant hardness he's had all morning. He presses his palm against himself for a moment. He whispers to himself, "Think of something nasty Sam." He starts thinking about Rowena and Metatron having sex. "Yep, that'll do it."

Sam sighs, then props himself up and opens Dean's notebook. It's a bit tattered from being written in and possibly read many times by Dean. The blue cover almost coming completely off, Sam is careful with it.

It starts like this:

"May 2, 2000 3pm-  
It's Sammy's birthday and I can't take my eyes off him. He's 17 and looks like such a handsome young man. I'm so proud of him and love him so much. The feelings I have are a strange mix. I wish I could explain."

Sam keeps reading. Some of what he reads he isn't surprised about. He always knew Dean admired him. Had an odd parental pride even though Dean was his sibling and not his dad. Growing up, Sam remembers Dean being more of a dad to him than John ever was.

Sam reads a passage written in 2001 he wishes he never read. Dean writes about a memory he had about one night when their dad, John, had come home drunk:

"I think I was 15. Dad pushed me against a wall and kissed me. I didn't know what to do. I just let dad kiss me. Dad then pulled his dick out and started talking to me about what a real man's cock looks like. It was hard and I was surprised because I had never seen anything like it. To be honest, it got me a bit turned on. He got close to me and had me touch it. Something must have clicked in dad's drunken mind because he looked at me all of a sudden very confused. He quickly zipped himself up and apologized as he stumbled toward the sofa and passed out. Of course, when he woke up the next day he had no memory of anything happening. The worst part is I laid next to my little brother that night and masturbated thinking about what it would feel like to be touched by my dad. As soon as I came, Sammy half asleep, curled up against me. This made me feel very filthy bad. Like I was unclean and Sammy shouldn't touch me because I'm a nasty thing. I tried to untangle myself from Sammy, but he wasn't having it and I didn't want to wake dad. I cried myself to sleep and just wished to God mom had never died. Years later, being a grown man in my 20's, writing about these memories leaves me feeling a bit nauseated. Ever since Sam went to college, writing has seemed to help unclutter my mind, but I still miss Sammy."

Sam keeps reading. He reads about how much Dean missed him while he was in college. Dean writes that he believes he's part of the reason Sam had to get away from their family. Dean also believes himself to be toxic. He started screwing a lot of girls as a teen in the hopes John would stop watching him like a flavor of the month. That's when Dean started becoming a flavor of the month at the local bars. Fucking any woman he thought looked his type: Long blonde or brunette hair, blue or hazel eyes and fair complexion.

Dean hunted with John while Sam was in college and got injured a few times. He hated letting John mend his wounds. "Dad touching me creeps me out to this day. I wish Sammy was here to stitch me up."

"May 2, 2003 5pm-  
I went to see Sam at college today. He had a beautiful blonde woman at his side. The light in his eyes and smile on his face made me ache for my brother. I wanted to laugh with him. Spend time with him like we use to. I left without him knowing I was there. I'll never force him to endure my presence if I don't have to. Let him be free of our monstrous father and his monstrous agenda. Hell, am I not a monster too?"

Dean's journal has large gaps with no writing. Dean was too busy to write with finding dad, the apocalypse, angels, demons, Lucifer, Mark of Cain, Chuck, Amara, etc.

Dean does write about "wanting to protect Sammy". How he "loves Sammy very much". He'd "never forgive himself if anything happens to Sam".

He especially hates himself while Sam was detoxing off demon blood. He writes:

"How can I just leave him in there to suffer. What kind of brother does that? I love him so much, it should be me tied to that bed in there, not him! How could I have let him get this far gone? I'm so sorry Sammy. Please forgive me."

Later in the journal... "Where the fuck is Cas?! He fucks up my brother and now he's gone! No God! No Cas! No hope! I swear if my Sammy dies, I'm going with him. You hear me God! You let the one man I love more than myself die and I'm done." The page is wrinkled and smudged.

At the bottom of the page, "Thank you God for saving my Sam. Now please save your angel. He did good."

Sam reads throughout Dean's journal about his anguish over Pamela Barn's death, then Ellen and Jo's, Bobby's, Kevin's, Charlie's and how each death affects Dean so deeply.

Sam skips over the part where he went into Lucifer's cage, but after reading what Dean wrote about the death of Bobby, he decided to go back and read it. Curiosity getting the better of him.

"Sam died today and a part of me died with him. Lisa held me for hours and it does nothing to help the hole in my chest. I need him. I need him like I need air to breathe. I begged Cas to smite me. Take me out of this world. Anywhere other than leaving me here in this pain. He just touched my cheek and said, "God has plans for you. Your work isn't finished." Yes it is. I'm nothing without my heart and my heart is Sam. Tomorrow I'm finding a crossroads demon. There are deals to be made. Anything to get my brother back beside me. I never told him I was sorry for making him feel like a failure when it was me who failed him all the time. He deserved so much better. Now he's in hell. Oh god, he's in hell with the devil and I'm here in my own hell needing him. I wish I'd NEVER been born!!!" Again the page is crumpled and smudged.

Sam hates reading these pages. Hates his soulless self that stayed away from Dean when he was free from the cage that very same day!

Dean walks in. Sam jumps up from the bed and rushes into Dean's arms. "I'm sorry!" He holds Dean tightly.

Dean knows his notebook is tough to read. He holds Sam. "Don't be. We're here. Despite everything in the world trying to tear us apart, we're together."

"I'm never letting go." Sam, still holding onto Dean, wipes at his own eyes.

"You don't have to. I'm right here." Dean has his head against Sam's shoulder and his arms around him. Hands gripping Sam's upper back.

There's a silence as they stand there like this.

"Was my writing that awful?" Dean snorts.

Sam slightly shakes his head, "No, the memories were."

Dean fingers Sam's hair. He knows how to cheer Sam up. He pulls back and and grips Sam's hand. "Come with me."

They walk into one of the other bedrooms and Dean completely surprises Sam. "What's this?"

Dean smiles, "This is our living room."

During the time when Sam was out, (most likely his psychologist appointments.) Dean removed all the furniture from one of the bedrooms and brought in new furniture. A nice tan leather sofa, two matching recliners, a coffee table, a 50+" TV mounted to the wall, a small entertainment center beneath it with 2 wireless headsets, Xbox, PS4 and games on it, shelves with blue-rays and DVDs on them, a stereo in the corner with a turntable and you can see speakers up on the ceiling and on the floor and some CDs are on the shelf too. Dean put up 3 movie posters: Die Hard, Tombstone and Pulp Fiction.

Dean looks like a cat that just ate a canary, "What do you think?"

Sam's touching the leather sofa, "You had to have gotten help."

Dean nods, "Cas. And before you ask, yes I used a bogus credit card and some money from hustling pool." He shrugs. "Sue me."

Sam just shakes his head. He knows as well as Dean that after all they've done for society, this is the least society can do for them. Yes, it's wrong, but without Sam and Dean the world would be dead.

Sam hugs Dean. "Thank you."

Dean releases their hug. "You hungry?"

Sam seems confused, "Yeah. What time is it?"

Dean looks at his watch, "A little after 5. I was working in here to give you more time to read."

Sam nods.

"Did you finish?"

Sam shakes his head no. He's not sure he wants to.

Dean grips Sam's hand. "What is it?"

It's got to be a painful memory for Dean, but to actually think that their own dad...

"Talk to me Sam." Dean's impatient.

Sam swallows hard and looks at their joined hands. "I just hate what dad did to you."

Sam looks up and sees Dean's face fall. He wraps his arms around Dean. They hold each other for a short while before Sam breaks the silence. "Don't ever think of yourself as filthy or unclean. Not with me. Not ever. You're who I want to be. Whatever you are, I am."

Dean talks into Sam's shirt, "I forgot that was in there."

Sam kisses Dean's jaw. "Do you wish I didn't know?"

Dean nods once then shakes his head no. "I don't know. Am I the perv Sammy?"

Sam grips Dean's face. "What?! No!!" Sam sees tears in Dean's eyes and wishes to God he never brought it up. He pulls Dean down beside him on the sofa. "Don't you dare take the blame for what happened back then. Dad was drunk Dean. You know this."

Dean feels almost sick. "Yet here I am in love with my brother."

He looks up at Sam and Sam looks him in the eyes. "I'm in love with my brother too. I have been for years." Sam wipes away a tear from Dean's face. "I love you Dean and it's not a sick perverted thing. It's pure and simple. No one has ever loved me out of my hell the way you have. No one ever can and no one ever will. Just as I've loved you out of yours."

Dean smiles. "You loved a demon out of me."

Sam kisses Dean's cheek. "You loved the devil out of me. You loved me enough to die for me twice. Once while I watched." Sam's crying. "The second time to get Death to give you my soul back."

Dean wipes at Sam's tears. He knows Sam must have read about that in his journal because he never told him about it. Dean swallows back his own tears as he looks at Sam.

"You're not a perv Dean. You're what makes me whole. I know you'd do it again and you know what?"

Dean's eyes look so green. So full of wonder at Sam's words of love.

"I'd do the exact same for you my love." Sam pushes Dean back on the sofa and kisses him. A crushing, demanding kiss. Dean wraps himself around Sam and kisses back. Hands in his hair and along his back. Legs around Sam's hips pulling him tight. Both press into each other gasping and kissing.

After a couple minutes Dean slams on the brakes. "Sam. Sam! Wait! Not here." Dean removes Sam's hand from under his shirt.

"Are you afraid?" Sam's panting. Eyes full of desire and need.

"No Sammy. I told you before. I want it to be special. Please." He kisses Sam's chin and jaw.

Sam nuzzles Dean's neck. "Okay. After dinner then." Sam grins and gets up off his brother. He gives Dean a hand lifting him up off the sofa.

The two of them straighten up their clothing and head for the kitchen. Sam comments, "You're such a tease."

Dean laughs. "Learned it from you."

"As if! By the way, good call on the living room. Can't wait to kick your ass playing games." Sam smiles. Dean just laughs.


	3. Finally and Always

They're in the kitchen and Sam smells it. "I made us pot roast for dinner. I know it's one of your favorites."

Sam hugs Dean. "You're the best."

Dean pulls out a fruit salad from the fridge and sets it on the table. He then sets the roast on the table. It's surrounded by potatoes, carrots, celery and onions.

Sam grabs 2 beers and the dinnerware.

The men enjoy a home cooked meal.

Dean serves up pecan pie for dessert.

They're both beyond full, so they decide to go for a walk. There's not a cloud in the night sky and you can see all the stars.

As they walk, Dean takes Sam's hand. Sam smiles when Dean kisses the back of it. Sam leans into Dean a bit as they walk and rubs his thumb over Dean's hand.

They walk near a large tree and Dean pulls Sam under the tree. He pushes Sam against it and kisses him. Sam kisses him back. "Being out here reminds me of Purgatory."

Sam looks around. "I can see that. Just no monsters."

Dean takes Sam's hand and they begin walking again. "The whole time I was there," Dean places his hand over his heart. "I had you with me here. I'd talk to you in my head. I'd ask you what we should do next. Where we should turn. You told me not to trust Benny and I told you to give him a chance. I'm glad we did because Benny got me out."

Sam just sighs, "I guess I can't apologize enough for Benny."

Dean kisses Sam's hand. "I got you. That's all that matters."

They get back to the bunker and Dean goes to take a shower first. Dean comes into his room wearing only a towel. "Your turn."

Sam sets Dean's journal down. He kisses Dean and heads for the shower.

Dean starts setting his plan in motion. He pulls out the candles he bought and lights them. Vanilla scented. He bought enough candles to turn all the other lights out. He gets the bottle of red wine and opens it to breathe. He also sets out 2 wine glasses next to the bottle on the night stand. He thinks about turning on music, but changes his mind. He wants to hear every second of Sammy's love making. He pulls out his lube and places it on the other nightstand with a condom. He leaves the box of condoms in the drawer. He pours the wine, drops his towel by the bed, gets under the covers and waits for Sammy.

Sam walks in a bit wide eyed. "Wow. This looks nice. Smells good too."

Dean sits up with a grin. "Vanilla. Care for some wine?"

Sam does his best not to laugh. He knows Dean's doing his best to be romantic, but Sam doesn't need all this. Sam takes the glass and looks into Dean's eyes and suddenly realizes it's Dean that needs all this. Sam takes a drink of the wine that warms him as it goes down.

Dean opens the covers for Sam. "Join me?"

Sam drops his towel and gets into the bed next to Dean without spilling his glass. He takes another drink.

Dean sets his glass down and then takes Sam's glass and sets it down. They embrace and kiss. It's soft and loving. Dean falls back against the pillow and Sam kisses him as he lays back.

Sam kisses Dean's chin, jaw, neck and chest. He lays his head on Dean's chest for a moment and listens. "I love hearing your heart beating. Your life right beneath my ear telling me you're here and it makes me feel whole. We're one together." He kisses Dean's chest then looks into Dean's eyes.

"My life, my heart, everything I am is yours." Dean kisses Sam's forehead.

"I want to feel complete with you Dean. I want to know how it feels to have our hearts and bodies together as close as two souls can be. Cause right now, I can't get close enough." Sam looks like pure love.

Dean nods, "Me too. I need you Sam."

Sam kisses Dean. Sam's hands move across Dean's chest. Dean sighs at the feel of his brother's large hands making their way over his torso and back up to his chest.

Sam's thumbs tease Dean's nipples and Sam watches Dean for his response.

Dean's brow furrows some. His lips part. His eyes never leave Sam's as his chest rises pressing into Sam's touch. Nipples so hard as Sam toys with them. He pinches them and Dean shivers. A soft "Sammy." escapes his lips while he grips the covers, leaving Dean short of breath.

Sam moves his hand up Dean's chest and throat, up his chin to his lips. His thumb moves over Dean's bottom lip. Sam whispers, "You're amazingly gorgeous right now."

Dean places his hand on Sam's face. "Shut up and kiss me."

He does. Tongues exploring and Dean pulls Sam on top of him.

Flesh on flesh for the first time since the shower that morning and it's everything they imagined it would be. Both of their cocks are hard and slotted perfectly against each other. They make very slow movements as they make love with their mouths. Dean can't stop touching Sam's hair. It's so soft. His skin is soft, yet his body is firm and toned to perfection.

Dean feels something different against his abs. He rolls Sam onto his back. Sam goes willingly. Dean kisses down Sam's neck and chest.

Dean stops to lick and suck at Sam's nipples. Sam arches his back. "Fuck." Dean loves the response he's getting out of Sam. He nips at his nipple and Sam gasps, "Oh yes!" He can see how the blanket is tenting quite a bit due to Sam's straining cock.

Dean smirks, "I can't wait to see you come undone." He reaches for Sam's swollen cock and gently strokes his shaft. He watches Sam's face as he takes hold of it for the first time. Sam's eyes roll back, his mouth is agape and he can't breathe.

Dean can't believe he's touching his brother's hard dick, but he likes it. He moves his hand up the shaft to the head and feels a metal ring that's piercing it. It's not too big, but it's clearly unexpected. Dean has to look. Sam verbally gasps as Dean strokes him. Dean pulls the covers back and looks at Sam's piercing.

Sam moans while Dean plays with the metal ring. "How long have you had this?" Dean spits on his palm and slicks up Sam's cock.

Sam loves Dean's touch, and can hardly breathe let alone talk. His voice is ragged, "I-I got it while I was s-soulless. I liked it, s-so I kept it."

Dean looks into Sam's eyes and sees Sam's need. He kisses Sam briefly and keeps moving his hand over Sam's very hard dick just as he would his own.

"Mmm Dean. So good." Sam's breathing faster now. Maybe too fast. Dean wants to make this last, but watching Sam's face... Dean tastes Sam's cock for a moment. Just to know what it's like. Sam audibly groans at Dean's mouth on his cock. Dean can taste the precum leaking from him. He teases the piercing with his tongue and Sam grips the covers with both hands. His whole body straining not to cum.

Dean sits back. Sam's cock covered with saliva. He moves his hand fast against Sam's shaft. His hand bumping underneath his cock's mushroom head. He lets his fingers slide over the tip and gather precum to continue jerking him.

Sam thrusts up into Dean's hand. Their eyes meet. "Fuck! If you don't stop, I'm gonna..." Sam grunts and arches his back some.

Dean wants to see Sam cum. "Do it. Let me see Sammy." Dean's just as breathless watching his brother as Sam is in the heat of passion. He keeps stroking his cock. He uses his other hand to caress Sam's face and rub over his chest.

Sam gasps. "Oh Dean!" He leans forward as all his muscle contract.

Dean looks into his eyes. "My Sammy."

"Oh fuuuck!!" Sam climaxes and never stops looking at Dean. His large hand wraps around the back of Dean's neck while Dean works Sam through his orgasm. "Oh Dean."

As soon as Dean feels Sam's body relax after his intense release, he kisses Sam letting him know how deeply he's loved.

Sam grips Dean with both hands and kisses him senseless. Sam is so lightheaded he thinks he might pass out, but he knows he won't. It's just the high he's feeling from being in love.

Sam feels a lot better, but still needs to feel as one with Dean.

Dean doesn't care that he has Sam's cum on him. He picks up the towel from the floor and wipes what he can off. He lays against Sam and tells him, "I meant what I said. You're mine. Right now I feel like I'm more complete than I have in years."

Sam finally smiles. "God how I love you!"

They kiss for a few minutes. Sam looks very intoxicated and Dean would know. "Dean, I want you inside me."

Dean seems surprised. "You sure? Cause I was debating letting you top me."

Sam shakes his head. "You should top me. I want you to."

Dean bites at his bottom lip. "You've bottomed before and liked it?"

Sam smiles and nods. "I'm already prepped." He bites his bottom lip with a dimpled smirk.

Dean laughs a bit. "You know how hot that is?"

Sam blushes, "Just so you know, I like being scratched, bit and having my hair pulled. Some spanking is okay, but real pain..." He looks away.

Dean makes Sam look at him. "Hey. I'm not as much into that, but I'm open to new things." He places his hand on Sam's neck. His fingers tickling below and behind his ear. "We'll make a rule. We never hit each other while making love. Neither of us want to go to that place again."

Sam reaches up and hugs Dean tight. Dean comforts Sam, "It's okay Sammy. Just remember our secret word for when we're in trouble."

Sam lays back and smiles up at Dean, "Poughkeepsie."

Dean is grinning too. "You say that and everything stops."

Dean kisses Sam while moving to lay between his legs. Sam wraps his legs around Dean's waist and they kiss like this for a while. Dean is hard and needs to be inside Sam.

Dean throws the covers on the floor. He then reaches for the lube and condom.

"No condom." Sam holds Dean's hand.

"Sam."

Sam shakes his head. "I want you to fill me. Please." Sam's puppy dog eyes.

How can Dean say no?

Dean has the lube and Sam raises his legs. Dean looks and sees a bejeweled butt plug in Sam's ass. He wiggles the plug and looks into Sam's eyes with a smile, "Comfy?"

"Your dick would feel much better." Sam winks and bites his bottom lip.

"Fuck." Dean is hard as hell. He asks himself - When did Sam learn to flirt like this?

Dean shoves a pillow under Sam's hips then slowly removes the plug. He watches Sam's face. Sam gasps in pleasure. His cock starts to show interest. Dean leans down for a moment and licks some of the glistening fluid on the tip of Sam's cock. Sam runs his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean looks up at Sam. "You taste sweet. I always knew you would."

Sam grins. "Pineapples. Makes cum sweeter."

Dean arches his brow. "Good to know."  
He lubes his cock and Sam's hole, very eager to be inside his brother right now. He lines himself up with Sam's legs on his shoulders. He leans forward and slowly enters Sam while kissing him.

They both gasp as Dean bottoms out. Dean and Sam are lost in each other's eyes. Dean touches Sam's face as he starts moving his hips. Both of them are captivated with each other. The look of ecstasy evident as well as trust and love.

Dean thrusts at a very slow pace. A tear escapes the corner of his eye. Sam kisses the corner of Dean's eye. Dean takes a deep breath, "I never knew just how much I loved you until this moment."

Sam realizes that Dean is thrusting with their breathing and they are breathing in unison. Sam reaches up and kisses him.

Dean starts moving his hips faster as they kiss. Sam scratches his nails over Dean's back and Dean sits up gasping. He grips Sam's hips so hard there might be bruises as he slams into him.

"Yes! Again!" Sam arches his head into his pillow. He claws Dean's chest.

Sam's nails rake over a nipple and Dean gasps, "Fuck Sam!"

Sam sees the red marks on Dean's chest. Sam pants, "Sorry."

Dean keeps thrusting hard. "S'okay."

Sam looks at Dean's body as he makes love to him. Lean with just a smallest bit of a belly from beer and pie. Muscles flexing with each thrust. Eyes that normally look so serious, like those of a predator, right now look soft and full of love just for Sammy. Full gorgeous lips pulled back as he gasps for breath. A quick smile of love as his green eyes watch Sam writhing in pleasure.

They go like this for a little while. Dean slows down, even stops so he can kiss and touch Sam. Touch his face, hair, hands, chest and any part of Sam that he can. He places his fingers over Sam's lips, then slides his index finger into Sam's mouth. Sam licks and sucks on it. Their eyes never leave each other. Dean moans at all the sensations Sam is causing within him.

Dean removes his hand from Sam's lips. He reaches down and strokes Sam's cock. Sam gasps, "Dean I'm gonna cum."

This brings Dean closer to the edge. He lets Sam's cock go and lets his long legs fall around his torso as he leans forward. He thrusts faster. His arms on either side of Sam.

Sam runs his hands up Dean's arms and feels the handprint scar on Dean's shoulder. Knowing what that scar represents. What Sam's brother did for him makes Sam's heart swell right as he's about to climax. "Dean. I love you so much."

Dean sees the look on Sam's face. How one moment he's having sex and now Sam's making love. Sam's feeling it as deeply as Dean is right now.

"I love you Sam." Dean grunts out as he cums. He thrusts deep as he fills up Sam. Pulse after pulse of his throbbing orgasm into his brother. Unable to breathe as he watches Sam climax with him. Dean's face as he climaxes is just pure ecstasy. Mouth open and eyes lidded.

Sam grips Dean's arm as he cums. "Dean!" White cum splatters across his chest and abs. Dean can't move his eyes from Sam's face. His trembling lower jaw, mouth wide open and eyes that look like they're pleading, but full of love.

Dean falls into Sam's arms and lays with his head on Sam's chest. Both men are spent and out of breath.

Sam is holding Dean with one arm and fingering his scar with the other.

Dean has a hand up in Sam's hair. He loves how it feels in his fingers. His other hand is fingering Sam's nipple.

After a couple of minutes, after they've caught their breath, Dean asks, "What are you doing to my arm?"

Sam smiles, "Feels weird huh?"

"Yes."

"So does what you're doing to my nipple."

Dean smiles, "Fair enough."

Sam stops messing with his scar. "I need another shower."

Dean gets up out of bed. He worships Sam's body with his eyes. "Does that piercing help sexually?"

Sam smiles, "Why? You want one?"

Dean huffs, "Forget I asked."

Sam gets up, grabs Dean by his arm and wraps his arms around him. "Don't get all huffy. It feels good for me and it hits a lady's g-spot just perfect."

Dean smirks. "I don't have a g-spot."

Sam laughs, "You do. Your prostate, but this small piece of jewelry won't make a very big difference there." Sam kisses Dean. A real passionate kiss.

Dean grabs Sam's hand and they head for the shower. They start bathing and Sam notices Dean looking at him. "What?"

Dean grins. "Was it worth the wait?"

Sam smiles, "Worth every second. I'm so in love with you. I guess I can stop seeing the shrink."

They both sort of laugh at that.

Dean rinses off and kisses Sam. He presses his forehead to Sam's. "I love you Sammy. I always will."

Sam presses his face to the side of Dean's. He kisses his cheek and licks at his earlobe. Dean moans. Sam whispers, "Can I sleep in your room tonight?"

Dean's voice is deep and very authoritative, "As of now, you don't have your own room any more Sam. Your place is with me."

Sam nips his earlobe, "You're so bossy." Sam backs up and finishes rinsing himself off.

Dean smiles, "I know, and short. How much of that wine did you drink?" He makes sure to look into Sam's eyes.

Sam's smile is perfect. "One glass. This is all your fault. Don't blame the wine. Aren't you a bit intoxicated?"

They face each other. Dean places his hand on Sam's cheek. "Every time you look at me and smile I feel a bit light headed I guess. You've always had that power over me with your puppy dog pout." He kisses Sam. "I'm about to start up again."

Sam reaches down and strokes Dean's cock while sucking kisses on his neck. "Sounds like a plan."

Dean grips Sam's shoulders and gasps. "Sam. Fuck."

Sam kisses his way down Dean's body and kneels in front of him. He looks up at Dean as he licks the head of Dean's cock. Dean can hardly breathe as he watches his brother lick and suck his cock. He has his fingers in Sam's wet hair, keeping it away from his face as he bobs back and forth on his dick. "So hot Sammy. Fuck!"

Sam swallows Dean deep and loves the reaction he gets. Dean bends forward some and his face is full of surprise and pleasure.

"That was so good Sammy. Just like that." Dean's voice is breathless and deep.

Sam pulls Dean's cock out to breathe as he licks and teases Dean's balls. He strokes his cock with his fist a few times. He then takes his dick back into his mouth and swallows him down again.

"Sammy, Sammy, fuck!!" Dean grips Sam's head and thrusts a few times. It feels so good fucking Sam's throat. Sam releases and gasps for air while stoking Dean. Dean tosses his head back. "You do that again, I swear I'll loose it."

Sam's a devious little shit. He quickly swallows Dean down and fucks his cock with the back of his throat.

Dean grabs the wall and the back of Sam's head and cums right down Sam's throat. "FUCK YOU SAM!! FUCK! Aaaahhh! Fuck." Dean doesn't remember an orgasm this intense before. Not during a blow job. He almost falls over. Sam keeps him from falling by standing up and holding him in his arms.

Sam kisses Dean with small kisses on his neck, ear, jaw, eye, cheek then lips.

Dean is smiling as he shakes his head. He can't believe how tonight has turned out.

Sam turns the water off and towels Dean dry before drying himself. Dean was about to protest, but he feels to blissed out and exhausted to argue.

They walk naked to Dean's room. Dean collapses face first on his bed.

Sam just smiles. "I was going to get a slice of pie and coffee before bed. You interested? I'll bring it in here."

Dean raises his arm in a thumbs up.

Sam returns with the tray to find Dean missing. "DEAN?!"

"LIVING ROOM SAM!"

Sam goes to their new living room and finds Dean snuggled up in a blanket on the sofa. Sam sets the food tray on the coffee table. Dean opens the blanket up for Sam to snuggle up next to him.

They both look at each other and smile. Sam speaks first, "This is odd, but seems so normal. You know?"

Dean nods. He unpauses the TV and Game of Thrones starts playing. "I'm glad you finished that book. It sucks watching these only after you finish a book."

Sam sips his coffee. "If I didn't have lore to read..."

"Shhh!" Dean starts getting into the show.

And so their new domestic life begins.

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: If you or someone you know is or has been a victim of sexual abuse or violence, please don't suffer in silence. Seek professional help or talk to someone you trust. No one should suffer in silence.
> 
> Domestic Violence Hotline:  
> www.thehotline.org  
> 1-800-799-7233


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